In the weeks following the devastating suicide of Stephen “tWitch” Boss, Allison Holker faced one of the hardest moments of her life. While preparing for her husband’s funeral in December 2022, she stumbled upon a hidden secret that changed her understanding of his struggles.
“I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral,” Holker shared in an exclusive interview with PEOPLE. It was during this emotional task that she discovered a “cornucopia” of drugs, including mushrooms, pills, and substances she couldn’t identify without the help of the internet. “It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed,” she explained. “It was very alarming to me.”
For Holker, the discovery was both shocking and heartbreaking. She described it as a “really scary moment” but also a key step in processing her grief. “It helped me understand that he was going through so much and hiding so much. There must have been a lot of shame in that,” she reflected.
Stephen “tWitch” Boss Secrets Revealed in Journals
Holker also delved into Boss’s journals, which further illuminated his internal battles. Through his writings, she learned he had endured significant trauma, including references to being sexually abused by a male figure during his childhood. She realized he had been using drugs to self-medicate. “He didn’t want to put his pain on anyone else because he loved everyone so much,” she said.
Despite feeling betrayed by these hidden struggles, Holker’s perspective shifted as she read his journal entries and notes in books he’d studied. “It gave me a better perspective of where he was in life and the type of things he was struggling with,” she said. “It made me feel a lot of empathy and sadness for the pain he was holding.”
Holker’s mission now is to share Boss’s story to inspire others to seek help and end the stigma surrounding mental health. Her memoir, This Far, set for release in February, is a testament to her healing journey and her commitment to helping others.
“I hope people dealing with similar struggles will step out of the shadows and know they’re going to be okay,” she said. “People with a lot of light have often faced a lot of darkness, and that’s okay. You can’t have one without the other.”